Friday, April 27, 2007

"Home is behind...

...the world ahead. And there are many paths to tread. Through shadow, to the edge of night, until the stars are all alight. Mist and shadow, cloud and shade. Hope shall fade, hope shall fade."

MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.
-Thomas Merton



My biggest complaint to God is, "What am I supposed to be doing with my life?" Don't you have this big plan just for me and I'm supposed to be fufilling it? Can't you show me the whole map and not just the five steps before me right now? Please?

No. God can't do that. What if I said, well to heck with that plan I'm doing what I want to do. That sucks. What would happen then? Would the "big plan" ever be fulfilled? Maybe not. Maybe in a huge roundabout way it would. The point is I worry too much about what I'm supposed to be doing and where I'm supposed to be going rather than how I'm doing right now. What do I love right now? What fills me as a person right now? What parts of my life do I so enjoy? Beacuse God gave me talents (sometimes I feel I have too many to do them all justice and I do not say that to boast) and those talents you are supposed to be using to aid other people and fufill your destiny that God gave you.

I love to read, write, sing, play music, make things out of yarn and fabric, teach what I know, learn more about the world around me. I just worry about how to put all those together into something that will do and be what God wants me to be and not to mention make some money on the side doing what I love.
When I was a child I wanted to be a teacher and a rock star. Come to think about it, that isn't too far off now. Children tell amazing truths without realizing it.
Words have always held a magic for me. They mezmerize me in how they can be combined to evoke images, places, smells, people, things. They convey multiple meanings, they clarify and confuse. They are the second language of music.
Music is something that fills me on a soul level. I don't just listen to music I feel every note. It moves through me leaving me uplifted or sorrowed. Mystifyied, creative, lonely, happy, hopeful. I love music that makes me sigh.

I forget where the heck I was going with this. Perhaps something along the lines of; I don't know how to combine my loves. Something like that. Oh well. Another ramble that doesn't necessarily lead anywhere. The point however, is that it is out and down on "paper" if you will. Out of my head and my heart, available for pondering.

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